Pieces: Rewritten
by Saint Arkham
Summary: When everything, gets too much for ya, when one person has completely destroyed your life, some people get mad. Some people get even. Harry Potter throws Molotov Cocktails at The Prophet's main printer. Crack-fic. Probably has Luna as love interest. Maybe


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Pieces

'Voldemort is dead. That's good. I'm alive. That's very good.' Thought Mr. Potter as he slowly went threw his daily hangover ritual. It was a way for him to remember what he had done last night, and whether what had happened were good or bad. He always started with those two things both to:

A) Keep him from freaking out and thinking that Voldemort was still alive despite his end the year previous. It would piss off Ginny if she woke up again because of his paranoia.

B) Balance off the shitty things that almost assuredly had happened last night.

He created this so that he wouldn't be shocked in the morning when his drunken (sometimes) outings (any time he left the house) were scandalized in the paper each morning by Skeeter. It had gotten to the point where she was paying people to seduce/start fights with him so she could write about him. 'Ginny's dead. That's bad. Rita Skeeter's alive too. That's very bad. I'm an Auror. That's great. Renegade Death Eaters killed Ron and Hermione. That's very bad. I was there. That's worse. So was Skeeter. That's…'

"Fuuucckkk!" he said, remembering last night's events. After two years of fighting the death Eaters who had banded together right after Voldemort's death, they had struck their final blow tonight, killing them all, with only three casualties, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny… and Skeeter was there to record it all with her camera. The whole thing was recorded in the paper, so if he opened it up, he would see them die again… still, he needed to know other things about the battle, like any escapees or MIAs and such, so he opened it up:

**Potter: the Boy Who Failed? Two civilians and one Auror dead! By Rita Skeeter**

While we all adore young Mister Potter for his defeat of You Know Who, as an Auror, he is lacking. His gross incompetence and negligence has caused the death of Auror Ronald Weasley, as well as Mr. Weasley's wife Hermione Weasley and sister Ginerva Weasley.

Upon hearing of this, the Weasley Matriarch Mrs. Molly Weasley had this to say:

"I am shocked and appalled by this… _boy's_ mistakes. He has destroyed my family. Once we saw him as another son, but no more. We always thought he was a bit light in the loafers anyway, Ginny was so sweet on him and he just ignored her! It is clear to us he is a poof and we shall associate with him no longer. If you wish to know any embarrassing secrets about him, please just ask. For example, him and Draco Malfoy, well, it has always seemed to our family to be, well, _tension_, if you catch my drift. As if they were homosexuals who were mutually attracted to each other and unable to admit it, if you know what I mean."

The rest of the family had similar things to say, especially as to the recent lack of fighting between Mr. Malfoy and Potter. They all seemed to agree that the two were now in some kind of a relationship, whether serious or merely… nightly remains to be seen. They said their proof for this was their daughter Ginerva constantly going over to Mr. Potter's house to watch it while he was 'away' for the night. I for one agree with this whole-heartedly. I have petitioned to Minister Shacklebolt to act upon this immediately, and he complied. A warrant for Mr. Potter's arrest, for Misconduct, Incompetence, and Disreputable Behavior, has been sent out. He will be brought in and be sent to Azkaban for life without a trial, in case he tries to say or reveal anything that may shock a potential court's sensibilities. Considering his all but confirmed trysts with Mr. Malfoy, it may even be that he never actually killed You Know Who, and we all know that no one wants to hear that. I personally am petitioning for The Kiss. If you agree, simply sign on this line to be added to the list of petitioners.

Furious could not even begin to describe Harry. Especially since the deaths were _not his fault, he hates Malfoy, and was in fact sleeping with Ginny._ _How was that not blatantly obvious? Seriously, who would date someone who they constantly fight and argue? Hmm… okay not the best defense, but I still hate him. Oh yeah, the deaths!_ _Skeeter was there and she knew it_! _She knew what had happened!_ It was all that fuckin' traitor…

Flashback:

_They had raided the fortress and were closing in. There were spells being flung everywhere, Death Eaters were dropping like flies, yet he had not suffered a single casualty. Then they reached the Main Chamber where the Death Eater's new, mysterious, vaguely lumpy leader resided. He had taken control of them right after Voldemort's defeat and had since then been wreaking havoc across the globe, linking up with various anti-muggle groups in America, Russia, Africa, and China to pose a serious threat to all wizards everywhere._

_There was a huge, twenty-foot tall throne in the middle of the room. There was a chalk circle going all the way around it and in the throne was…_

"_Neville! I always knew you were evil!" Harry screamed._

"_Oh, I'm not evil, I was merely… testing you… by which I mean I did it out of jealousy." He sneered. Then Harry noticed that gagged and bound on the floor before Neville was… Ginny._

"_You see, it was quite easy to kidnap her, after all, I'm practically a squib, what danger am I to somebody?" he said sarcastically._

"_You let her go now!" Harry screamed desperately. Just then Ron entered the room carrying… Hermione?_

"_You'll never believe who I found here, all tied up. She's fine though, just a bit dazed…"_

_Ron stopped as he finally noticed Neville and Ginny._

"_If I can't have her Harry, no one can!" Neville said, before crushing Ginny's skull. Harry was frozen to the floor. His girlfriend, dead…_

"_**NEVILLE!"**__ Ron screamed before charging at him. When he reached the circle, he was turned to ash._

"_Ron!" Hermione screamed before doing the exact same thing… cleverest witch indeed._

"_Neville!" Harry yelled, before doing the intelligent thing and, instead of charging at Neville, shooting a stupefy spell at him. He tripped on his feet trying to dodge it, and fell into the circle, joining 'Ron and Hermione's Brotherhood Of Idiots Who Were Turned Into Ash'. Harry slid to his knees in mourning._

_Meanwhile, Skeeter came out of nowhere and said, "Yes, that's about enough for a headline, don't you think?"_

_He then bolted up and grabbed her by the collar and lifted her a foot off the ground._

"_Listen here you bitch! Leave me in peace or I'll leave you in pieces! Literally!" he said between gritted teeth before dislocating her shoulder for emphasis. Before she could even scream though, he had popped it back in. "Just so we understand each other. Now get the fuck out of here!" She transformed into a beetle and flew away thinking, 'Even considering the pain, setting up that Neville kid with the Imperious curse has given me the best scoop ever...'_

Flashback End

'Shiiiiiiiiiit!!! This is… so… I'm gonna need a revenge list.' Harry contemplated.

**Harry Potter and the Revenge List:**

**1**: Everyone

'Hmm, I should probably put it in order…' Harry mused.

**Harry Potter and the Revenge List: The Sequel**

1. Skeeter

2. Shacklebolt

3. The Weasleys

4. Hmm… is Malfoy still alive? If so then him. That should stop _those_ rumors.

5. Might as well clear out my entire backlog of enemies while I'm at it… Is Fudge still alive? If so then… Delores is the next target. I don't really care about Fudge.

6. Is Luna still alive? Wasn't she dating Neville? Her if she turns out to have been helping him. If not then… she's hot and I'm a tragic hero, and we've both just suffered the loss of our allocated mating source. I should definitely look her up.

7. Is Snape dead? I can't remember. Oh wait, he is. For the past year actually. Then Malfoy again, cause fuck him _in a non-gay way!!!_.

8. The Daily Prophet. All of it.

9. Anyone who's ever supported the Daily Prophet by reading it. Ever.

10. Everyone who's ever had so much as a negative thought in my general direction.

11. Everyone else.

'Hmm, I think 'Hmm' a lot, don't I?' Harry thought. 'And I should probably layer the list by who I will strike first.'

**Harry Potter and the Revenge List: The Sequel: The…Revenge**

1. The first person I see

2. The next person I see

3. The third person I see

4. It'll just go on like this for a while.

5. I wonder if Luna's single?

6. I wish Ginny were still alive. Then again, no possible Luna. Unless…

7. I wonder if I could use magic to create a machine that actually gives off more energy than it uses?

8. Oh uh… the eighth person I see

9. The ninth person I… Oh shit an unsolved Rubix Cube…

10. That damn thing took forever! That's what she said!

11. Who am I writing too? I forget.

12. Hellooooo?

13. Oh yeah… the thirteenth person I see

14. Fuck this I'll just do what I want.

And so he did... and that story shall also be told... next week.


End file.
